INTRODUCTION
Marriage is God’s idea, and so he created it for the good of mankind. This means we are created for relationship. Genesis 2:18 sums up God’s resolution for that purpose hence:
The Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him. (CSB)
Therefore, one of God’s purpose for marriage is companionship of the couple which is to mutually complete both the man and the woman. (Husband and wife). Before Eve was created, Adam was incomplete. Adam needed Eve and Eve needed Adam as husband and wife and wife as husband accordingly. In other words, the man was created to need somebody to be with him as his wife and the wife was created to need somebody to be with her as her husband.
Both Adam and Eve were created to be together to accomplish what they could not accomplish alone. This first couple were stronger together as a team than they were as individuals. So we are as husbands and wives stronger as a team than we are alone as individuals. While some people are enjoying God’s plan and desire for their lives in living as one couple, the vast majority are languishing in misery in their relationships with their spouses. Some couples live under one roof but are only co-habiting, some have separated and some divorced.
In this paper, an attempt will be made in addressing the following issues.:
a. Definition of the concept – Marital Drift
b. Causes of Marital Drift
c. Early Signs Marital Drift among couples
d. Preventing marital drift as a measure to nib in the bud and stem the tide of disintegration of marriages so that we can enjoy our relationship with our spouses, for prevention is better than cure.
MARITAL DRIFT
This is simply a situation where married couples begin to avoid or do not consider one another in doing things in the home together. It is when couples begin to abandon their hitherto dependent relationship to an independent relationship. It is growing apart instead of growing into oneness. In other words, it is lack of marital oneness. When this situation is not curbed in time, the relationship between spouses degenerates and isolation steps in and graduates to co-habitation, separation and even divorce.
Causes of Marital Drift
Every marriage would naturally begin to drift, unless conscious effort is made to stop the drift. Unless spouses lovingly and energetically nurture and maintain their marriages, they will begin to grow apart. Couples may live together under one roof, yet be alone. Below are causes of marital drift in a marriage.
- Selfishness
“We all, like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way…” (Isa 53:6)
Selfishness causes isolation in marriage, and it means, “I want to go my own way, do my own thing. It also means, I want to have it my way or not at all”. Naturally, human beings instinctively look out for the best for themselves. Two people going their own selfish separate ways can never get to experience oneness in marriage as God intended it to be. If left unchecked, selfishness can cause couples to drift (pull away) from each other into isolation, which is a very dangerous thing to happen in a marriages It is baffling to note that during courtship and early period in marriage, many couples seem to experience a high level of romance, emotional closeness and oneness, but within just a couple of months or years after marriage, they sometimes feel more distant arising from selfish tendencies. Selfish tendencies include but not limited to the following:
- Insisting on one’s point of view or opinion in decision making
- Anger and resentment
- Pride
- Choosing the best for oneself when an opportunity for making a choice arises, like the occasion between Abraham and his nephew Mr. Lot.
- Not putting the interest of the partner first (Phil 2:3-4)
- Thinking you are the best
2. Insufficient Sexual Intimacy (Poor Sex Habit)
Some married couples (husbands and wives) suffer from insufficient sexual or conjugal activity between themselves. The males do not carry their wives along during sexual intercourse. When the man desires sex, he bounces on his wife like a cock bounces on a hen and releases or ejaculates his sperm. The men do not engage in foreplay to prepare his wife for the sexual act. Once he releases his sperm into his wife, he sleeps off leaving the wife unsatisfied. This is also selfishness. The wife suffers in silence because culture has dissuaded us from talking and sharing our sexual experiences.
As Christians this attitude has to change, couples need to talk and share about their sex and sexuality. Female partners do not need to continue to suffer in silence when their husbands are not engaging in sufficient sexual intimacy with them and vice versa.
How much is sufficient sexual intimacy cannot be defined here, but couples must discuss and express satisfaction or dissatisfaction when they engage in the act. Both the husband and the wife must study and thoroughly understand their basic sexual physiology, human anatomy on how the man and woman are wired sexually. When the above suggestion is not taken, couples would be suffering in silence in matters of sex and definitely one of the partners will recourse to isolation which is a cause of marital drift.
3. Disrespect
Disrespect is another cause of marital drift. It occurs when one partner’s opinion is ALWAYS disregarded in decision making, the affected partner could recoil into himself or herself.
- Separating Bedrooms
When the husband and wife plan their house to live in separate bedrooms due to their preferences or temperaments, they are making allowance for marital drift. Similarly, allowing their misunderstanding and differences to degenerate into serious crisis to warrant separating bedrooms or separating their beds in their bedroom can lead to isolation and subsequently drift. Isolation can be so subtle that sometimes even when couples sleep in the same bedroom and on the same bed, they may still be isolated and marital drift ensues.
- Not doing things Together
Couples who do not make conscious efforts to do basic things together such as planning for the home, agreeing on spending or expenditure, eating together are swing seeds of marital drift.
- Inadequate or Ineffective Communication
Communication is the life blood of a marriage relationship. Inadequate or ineffective communication is one major reason for marital drift. One reason why communication is difficult is because many couples have not received training on how to communicate with each other. Equally important is the fact that couples seem not to understand the differences between themselves and their spouses and lastly, communication can be difficult between spouses when they are in conflict. A story is told of a marriage couple who were not in overt talking terms because of disagreement they were in. they communicated between themselves only through writing. If they wanted to talk to each other, they would write on a paper and place it on a pillow in their bedroom.
One day the husband wrote to tell his wife that, he had a job interview the following day at 8:00 am, and so the wife should wake him up at 4:00 am so that he would prepare and attend the interview on time. When it was 4: 00 am, the wife wrote that it was now 4:00 am wake up and prepare for your job interview, and placed it on top of pillow on the bed. You can see what inadequate or ineffective communication in a home can cause couples. Such a marriage could definitely be on its way to drifting. The man sleep until the time for the job interview passed.
You can see what inadequate communication in a home can cause couples such a marriage could definitely be on its way to drifting.
There are basic communication skills that couples need to know about like:
- Expressing
- Listening
- Responding
Equally, there are poor listening habits, good listening habits couples need to study and apply in their communication with each other.
- FINANCES
If you want to test a couple’s oneness in marriage, take a look at how they handle their finances. How a person handles his/her money reveals much about his or her character, desires, priorities and his or her relationship with God. Money management in the home is one major cause of conflict in marriage, hence it is one of the leading causes of divorce. Some spouse lie, cheat and overspend money. Couples forget that as married people, they are one, and even so in money matters (Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:6). The lack of trust in our society is having a great toll on married couples, thus creating secrecy and separate bank accounts among Christian couples. This lack of trust undermines the commitment to a shared life with a spouse and is contrary to Biblical teaching. Spouses’ income should be merged and shared or couples should be as transparent as possible about their incomes and expenditure.
Once financial issues begin to get out of hand in marriage, and it is not handled properly, it will lead to marital drift among the couples. I suggest that decisions on spending (expenditure), savings, investments, giving and many others related matters ought to be taken together. Couples should avoid spending money anyhow and should avoid pressure, impulse buying, influences from friends, relatives on their spending. Couples should learn to keep a budget, set priorities before purchase, apply discipline in spending money and get God’s perspective on finances and follow it religiously.
- Childlessness
Even though Christian couples know that children are gift from God (Ps 127: 3), often times pressure from parents, relatives, friends, in-laws make them to drift when children have not arrived after marriage is consummated for a period of time. Sometimes childlessness occurs when one or both spouses has a medical problem. Patience should be exercise as thorough medical examination is done. If none of the couples has a medical problem, brethren should wait on the Lord patiently than succumbing to pressure that often leads to marital drift.
- Extra Marital Affairs (activities)
This extra marital affair is not necessarily concerned with sexual immorality of either of the couples. By extra marital affair is meant one or both couples engaging in the following activities to the neglect of consistent companion with one’s partner. These affairs or activities include but not limited to the following:
- Office work
- Career/job
- Church assignments/meetings
- Preaching/speaking engagements
- School
While I am not discouraging our participation in these activities, time must also be reserved to constantly keep your spouse company. Often times a wife is left alone in the house for hours, days, weeks and even months, such an attitude would only lead to marital drift. Ministry is wonderful but family is better
EARLY SIGNS OF MARITAL DRIFT AMONG COUPLES
The following are early signs that show that all is not well in the relationship among couples and could lead to marital drift:
- When either the husband or the wife is unable to talk about any and everything. They prefer to stay alone.
- When either spouse tells someone else things they haven’t or wouldn’t tell their spouse.
- When the husband or wife is more comfortable in a group discussing than when they are together.
- When either the husband or wife thinks or talks of their “best friend”, their spouse isn’t the person they name or mention.
- When the couple are together, they have nothing meaningful to say or discuss.
- Neither the husband nor the wife is in a hurry to get back home to see his spouse after work. In fact, they often take and give excuses to stay away from home.
- Either of the couples always advance reasons for staying away from home or coming back home late.
- Either of the couples consistently (always) do not have time to sit together for a conversation.
PREVENTING MARITAL DRIFT: STRATEGIES FOR STAYING CONNECTED WITH YOUR SPOUSE.
As the paper tries to go to bed, it is important now to discuss what measures we can adopt to prevent marital drift and indeed strategies that couples can adopt to stay connected with each other to prevent drift among themselves. Let us consider the following strategies:
- Developing Oneness
To achieve oneness in marriage is for the couple to first and foremost involve God in their relationship. They must all agree and be seen to be obedient to God’s word. This means, the couple must accept to apply Biblical principles for their marriage. Each spouse shall purpose to have a cordial and harmonious relationship with God and would aim at pleasing and glorifying God in all things in their marriage.
Apostle Paul addressed the issue of oneness among Christians in Phil 2:1-4, where he instructs us by calling for putting other’s interest above ours. This is very critical for achieving oneness in marriage too. In a similar vein, David Boehi in his book, preparing for marriage avails: “something is born on every wedding day. Before the wedding ceremony, there is he and she. After the ceremony there is a new entity called “us”. It means, when a husband and wife receive each other without reservation, leave their parents and resolve to stick to each other, the pursuit of oneness becomes the focus. This gives birth to the mathematical mystery, 1+1 =1. Thus, couples are to pursue, experience, and maintain oneness in their marriage, physically, emotionally and spiritually. This can prevent marital drift.
- Becoming One Flesh
Becoming one flesh involves deep relational intimacy. These are 5 aspects of intimacy in a marriage relationship and if they are followed religiously, it can prevent marital drift among couples:
A. Social intimacy (Staying close): this means doing things together and desiring/enjoying to be in the presence /company of each other. I share Emerson Eggerich’s tips and techniques, from his book “Love and Respect”. He says that your wife feels close to you when:
- you hold her hand
- you hug her
- you are affectionate without sexual intentions
- you walk, jog and do anything together
- you seek her out
- you go out of your way to do something for her, e.g. run an errand.
- Spending time with her as your priority,
Other activities that can foster social intimacy between spouses include:
- Watching a movie (cinema or at home)
- Attending social events, being part of a couples’ events together
- Maintaining friendship with each other’s friends.
B. Intellectual Intimacy: This is talking about thoughts and desires. A major part of human beings is life lived in his/her mind, the home of our thoughts. A couple grows intellectual intimacy when they freely share their personal thoughts and desires with each other. It can be on anything and on whatsoever. No desire or thought is unimportant. When spouses feel safe enough to share anything about their thoughts and longings, the couple is growing in intellectual intimacy. Let your spouse know that you enjoy discussing things with him or her by accepting each other’s opinion.
C. Emotional Intimacy: This is closely related to intellectual intimacy. The focus is feeling. Though feelings can be unreliable and subject to change without warning, they are important part of our lives and should not be ignored or discounted. Acknowledge your feelings and seek to understand them.
- Spiritual Intimacy: couples pursue spiritual intimacy when they:
- Share with each other what they are learning, or struggling to understand, from their time with God.
- Share their experiences of their engaging in spiritual activities like church attendance, praying with each other, fasting, family or couple devotion.
D. Sexual Intimacy: This is not about sex as an act alone. Gary Chapman says, it is about experiencing closeness and finding a sense of mutual satisfaction. This is achieved when couples intentionally respond to each other with the understanding that they approach sex differently with different need. Remember, we discussed under the causes of marital drift about insufficient sexual intimacy that males and females are wired differently sexually.
While men has a deep seated need to be desired (sex, especially when it is initiated by the wife), the women have a deep seated need to be pursued (spoken words, time together, holding hands) etc. It is important for spouses to respond to each other with the understanding that they approach sex differently with different needs. They need to satisfy each other’s need mutually.
3. Effective Communication
This can be achieved with a two part strategy.
Listen to understand: You must learn to listen to your spouse not just with ears, but your eyes and heart.
Express to be understood: couples must learn to not just talk or speak, but express themselves with the goal to be understood. Couples must be sensitive to what they say to their mates, and how they say it.
Conclusion
This paper has attempted a discourse on preventing marital drift. Strategies for staying connected with your spouse. We offered a definition of marital drift, looked at the possible causes i.e identified signs of marital drift, provided early warning signs
that are exhibited to show that all is not well with couples relationships. Finally we looked at strategies that couples have to adopt to prevent marital drift in their long term relationship.
Finally, I leave spouses with these questions: What is the state of your marriage relationship? Are you experiencing a drift? Is oneness present or absent in your marriage? Is intimacy going down? I have attempted to proffer suggestions on critical causes of marital drift as each point was identified. I strongly think that if the strategies proffered as suggestions to prevent marital drift are adopted, all the identified signs or causes of marital drift would have been taken care of.
TORESE AGENA, Ph.D.
Member AFCS Central Branch, Makurdi, Benue State, Nigeria.
References
- Agena Torese, “Isolation A threat to Successful Christian Marriages” Youth Alive Christian Magazine. A Publication of NKST Mission Retreat, 2019, 6-7,15-16.
- Boehi, David et al, Preparing for Marriage, Gospel Light Ventures, California, 2016.
- Chapman, Gary, The one year Love Language, Minute Devotional, Tyndale, USA, 2009.
- Eggerichs, Emerson, Love and Respect, Integrity Publishers, Brentwood, USA, 2014, 126-133.
- George, Jim and Elizabrth, A couple After God’s Own Heart, Harvest House Publishers, Oregon, 2012. 97
- Issues Facing Families Today, Husband, Wife Realtionship: A Prayer List of Family Life, GCMN, February, 2024.
- Rainey Dennis, Staying Close, GCMN Publications, Jos. 1989, 105-127.
8 _________________, Building your Marriage to Last, Family Life Publications, Arkansas, 2014, 11-15, 90-92.
- The Holy Bible
10.Thompson, R.D, Critical Laws of Relationship, Beulahland publications, Benin, 1-259.